Mood

I  felt like crying all day. I didn’t wake up like that though I did awake groggy and under slept. My mood shifted sometime after coffee during zoom yoga. Earlier, I sent a Caring Bridge post to an old friend whose lymphoma has spread to his brain and is now in hospice. Really he was my bother Michael’s friend, but he became my friend too after we both had kids and way after having an affair. We saw the movie Swept Away together. Years later and both newly married, we spent some time in New York City. Then again in Montreal after our marriages ended. Allan had moved back there and I took frequent trips to visit my parents. The last time I saw him was in LA in 2016 where my older son Jacob lived for awhile. We took hikes and shared meals. He had left the film business, gone back to school, and was now teaching. I admired his dedication and enthusiasm in his new career. He remarried. Since then, we peripherally kept in touch through Michael and social media.

I went for a 20 minute walk with Jacob and didn’t feel sad. Or maybe I did but it was sunny and the cool air on my face felt life affirming. I reminded myself that we are in the midst of a severe drought and that led me to thinking about the election and the fact that, environmentally, the new administration doesn’t give a shit.That led to thinking about what else this new administration doesn’t give a shit about, like for example, most people, but I stopped myself from going down that rabbit hole and returned home to finish zoom yoga. 

Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint the source of sadness. It’s often not one thing. A dying old friend, insecurities, an election gone haywire, oh and concerns about one’s children. 

After yoga I picked up my CSA farm order and handling the vegetables made me feel better for a little while. Then I went to the grocery store to buy bananas and avocados but forgot to buy milk. 

When I was awake in the night I went to the kitchen and had a couple of tablespoons of maple yogurt. Sometimes it can help me fall back to sleep though last night it didn’t. It tasted particularly good though and I think I actually said out loud to noone in particular “this is so good.”

 I once confided in Allan that when I was a teen, I was sure Michael didn’t think I was cool because he never invited me to hang out with him and his friends and it made me feel really bad and left out. Not that I didn’t have my own friends, I did, but I liked his. They were mostly guys. I was used to being around guys, after all, I had 3 brothers. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to be around these guys and figured it was because I wasn’t cool enough. There was a five year age difference and they seemed to be way more independent and relevant. Allan laughed. He said “Are you kidding?! He was protecting you from US! We all wanted to get into your pants!” So for at least 15 years I had been carrying around this feeling of being left out and not good enough when none of it was true. I guess I’d have to ask my brother if that was really correct or if Allan was just trying to make me feel better but I don’t want to ask him, I like Allan’s answer.